


Crack of Dawn

by Klitch



Category: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-17
Updated: 2006-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-20 20:55:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/217010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Klitch/pseuds/Klitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was dying by inches just to prove he could. Fai closed his eyes and didn't dream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crack of Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write something angsty-ish for the recent chapters, so here we go. Weird experiment in form and I still ramble too much, alas.

_and only ice can crack the ice or maybe diamonds if you can spare ‘em_   


Fai slept with his face smothered against the pillow, listening. He could almost feel the sun on his back and his stomach was twisting. He hadn’t eaten. Never, never. He wasn’t going to, and his only eye hurt so he kept it closed tight and pretended to sleep.

He heard the door open as the sun rose, and he knew it was Kurogane watching him. Only Kurogane’s footsteps felt like that. He waited and pretended to be asleep, even if he knew it wouldn’t fool Kurogane at all. Just as well, either way.

Fai was alive, and he was dying stubbornly by inches just to prove he could.

There was nothing but silence between them, and Kurogane left. Fai heard the door slide shut and closed his eyes and did not dream.

\--

 _but I’m not lucky I’m not lucky I’m not lucky never was_  


When he finally slid out of bed there was a pleasant smell all around. The small apartment they were currently occupying was empty of life, but there was a cup of something cooling on the table and a tray of something sweet-looking. It had all been arranged nicely and pushed hopefully towards the door of his room, and he knew it was Sakura who had done it. Even the way the table stood looked tentative, and he smiled just a bit.

Fai had managed to be politely absent from every meal so far. Either he woke too late or went to bed too early or just managed not to be around anywhere at all when it came time. This was the first time in the two days since they’d arrived that breakfast had been laid out for him, and he knew she was worried. They were all worried, and he was carefully ignoring it all because there was really nothing much to be done. This was his decision, this time. He needed to have a decision that he wouldn’t be able to regret.

He took a bite of the food and emptied the cup, simply because it would be unfortunate to let Sakura’s hard work go to waste and because she would be smiling when she got back, if she saw he’d eaten something. It all tasted like sand in his mouth and did nothing to calm the feeling that had been settling insistently in his stomach for the past several days, but that was all right. It would make Sakura happy, so that was all right.

And Fai remembered a time when he had almost forgotten _things_ (not completely, never _completely_ , he couldn’t, not something like that) and had risen with the sun while the others slept, and he’d made them hot drinks and sweet things and had arranged them neatly on plates just like this. He could have kept doing it now, if he’d wanted to. But things had changed and he’d been reminded, so it was best to just sleep. He didn’t think he could make this sort of food now anyway, since it did nothing for him. He’d tried, secretly, the night they’d first arrived. The food had burned and he’d quietly disposed of it without waking anyone.

Kurogane had woken up the next morning and complained about the smell, and Fai had kept sleeping.

\--

 _still I’m blacker on the inside than I ever would have imagined_  


They had a fight when Kurogane got back. Fai knew it was coming and didn’t bother to sidestep it, because they’d have to have it eventually. He’d been waiting for it.

“You have to drink, idiot!” Kurogane was angry. Kurogane was always angry (always and never, ever forgiven. Fai had to keep reminding them both of that. Never forgiven for saving his life when he’d finally made his own decisions).

“No.” As far as Fai was concerned, that was that. He had always been made to do things he didn’t want to. Ashura, Kurogane…it was always for someone else that he did things. This time he would follow his own path, alone, like he should’ve done in the first place.

“You haven’t eaten at all.” And it really would have been easier if anyone besides Kurogane was his companion. Anyone else might have given up in the face of that steadfast denial and the one glaring, slitted eye. “I can tell you’re getting weaker. So eat, already. It’s not going to prove anything if you starve yourself.”

“I said no, Kurogane,” Fai replied coldly, turning away.

“Don’t be stupid,” and he could already tell that Kurogane wasn’t going to let him  
go so easily.

“You can’t force me to,” Fai said. “ _This time_ it’s my decision.” The emphasis was pointed, and he knew without looking that it wouldn’t be lost on Kurogane. Satisfied, Fai began to walk away.

Kurogane’s hand closed over his wrist, and he stopped.

“I’m not going to apologize for saving your life,” Kurogane said bluntly.

“I didn’t expect you to,” Fai said. “Let me go.”

“You need to eat,” the ninja said again.

“I will when I decide to,” Fai replied, pulling away.

“I’m not letting you die this way either,” Kurogane said, just a hint of a threat in his voice.

Fai didn’t answer, and walked away.

\--

 _and they tell you that your blood is purple ‘till it hits the open air_  


His hands shook and his face was pale, but he wouldn’t drink. This new world was cooler than the last and sharp winds blew everywhere. It bit at his skin, even though he should have been used to it. Fai slept later than before and moved like a ghost through the rented cottage. Sakura bit her lip when she saw him, and he could only just find her a smile. He knew it was thin, and it didn’t quite fool her anymore.

Kurogane cornered him within half a day and pinned him to the wall, eyes burning.

“Eat.” Kurogane held up a wrist, offering.

“No.” The word didn’t have half as much bite as before. His fangs were as dull as his eye.

“Bastard. _Idiot_.” Each word was a curse. “You’re going to die at this rate. Eat, or I’m going to stuff it down your stupid, moronic throat.”

“You know it won’t work that way.” A skeleton’s smile crossed Fai’s face and he wondered if Kurogane was going to try and hurt him, the ninja looked so fierce. He almost wanted Kurogane to. It would give him something to forgive, later.

“I’m not letting you move until you eat.”

“You think you can hold me?” Fai’s single eye was cold.

“You can barely walk,” Kurogane said darkly, but with slight satisfaction. “You’re in no condition to fight. If you want to have a fight, then we’ll fight. But first, you eat.”

“I don’t--” Fai was cut off by the sound of footsteps from behind.

“Fai-san?” Sakura stood in the doorway with Mokona wrapped in her arms. He could see Syaoran standing just behind her, her quiet escort. She took a few steps towards them, then paused. “Fai-san, you have to eat.”

“Please, Fai!” added Mokona, its voice desperate. “If you don’t eat, you’ll die.”

Syaoran didn’t speak, but he didn’t need to. Fai couldn’t look at any of them.

“Please, Fai-san,” Sakura repeated.

Fai just shook his head. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. But he couldn’t say that. He couldn’t tell them that, not when Sakura’s eyes were desperate and Mokona’s voice was strained.

Kurogane didn’t say anything, just kept him pinned to the wall and stared intently at him, waiting.

It was never his decision. Nothing was ever his decision. His decisions always went wrong anyway, and finally Fai nodded his head.

He wouldn’t drink for himself. But he would drink for them.

Always for someone else that he did things, but Fai couldn’t bring himself to do things any other way.

\--

 _love is quiet until it’s screaming, suddenly you lose your hearing_  


Fai made the children and Mokona leave the room. He had agreed, but he wouldn’t do it in front of them. They didn’t need to see this.

Kurogane was regarding him steadily, calmly, waiting for him to make as move. Fai glanced up at him for a long moment. An absurd thought struck him and he almost laughed, almost _really_ laughed, and he could not contain the smile.

“So how do we do it?” Fai was amazed at how light his voice could be, even now.

“What?” Kurogane asked, obviously confused.

“I’ve never done this before,” Fai said, shrugging. “How do I do it?”

“How should I know?” Kurogane was irritated now, not angry, and the irritation was comforting in its familiarity (too comforting, far too comforting, he would be settling back into things all too soon if he kept this up).

“You should’ve asked before you made this deal,” Fai said lightly. Kurogane grunted and crossed his arms, glaring. Fai shook his head and took a step closer. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop if I start, so you’ll have to tell me, all right? I don’t know if it’ll hurt. You’ll have to tell me if you can, Kurogane.”

“I’ll be fine. You’re the one who looks like he’s about to faint,” Kurogane said pointedly.

Fai didn’t answer and instead leaned forward. Kurogane had offered his wrist, but that didn’t seem quite right so Fai leaned upwards instead and opened his mouth. His lips brushed Kurogane’s neck and then he could smell the blood pulsing inside, could hear Kurogane’s heartbeat in his ears, and he suddenly he knew exactly what to do.

Fai’s teeth broke the skin in moments and the blood was in his mouth, staining his teeth, and the smell filled his nostrils and he felt like he was on fire, burning with Kurogane’s blood and the hunger and the anger and the strength, and he melted into it, fell into it, wrapped himself in it in a way he hadn’t done since he’d first used his magic so long ago in Celes.

Kurogane’s blood tasted sweet in his mouth, good like nothing had every tasted before. He couldn’t even remember what real food tasted like with his mouth on Kurogane’s neck like this. Everything else was dust and sand, but Kurogane’s blood was like the whole world, the entire world, contained in just a single drop, and Fai drank greedily, pushing himself up against Kurogane in his haste to get more.

Kurogane made no noise when Fai’s teeth first broke his skin beyond a single soft hiss of pain. As Fai continued to drink, Kurogane seemed to be beginning to waver, just a bit, in a way Fai had never seen him do before, and suddenly the ninja was the one being pinned to the wall by the magician, who was now stronger than he had ever seemed before.

Fai saw his hands on Kurogane’s body as he pressed the ninja to the wall, saw the exposed skin growing white under his grip and realized somewhere in the back of his mind that it had to hurt, that what he was doing had to be effecting the ninja, but he couldn’t stop. His vision was hazy and his ears rang with the sound of Kurogane’s heartbeat, his skin pulsed with the heat of their closeness and Fai could only drink deeper. Somehow they began to sink to the floor together and Fai didn’t even realize it was happening until his knees hit the ground, didn’t even realize that Kurogane’s hand was on his arm.

Something flashed behind his eyes and Fai pulled away with a strangled gasp. Blood still stained his teeth and he could taste it still in his mouth, suddenly sharp and stinging. Kurogane was breathing hard and his face was pale. His eyes were half-closed and dull.

“Kurogane…” Fai’s voice was hoarse, and he swallowed heavily. “Kurogane, I…”

“Are you done?” Kurogane’s voice was a shadow of itself but still steady.

“Yes.” Fai nodded, unable to say anything more. “Yes.”

“Good.” Kurogane leaned wearily against the wall and his eyes slid shut. Fai felt a moment of pure panic before he realized that the ninja’s breathing was still steady, and he could still hear the strong heartbeat in his ears.

Fai remained kneeling on the floor beside the ninja, and listened to the beating heart.

\--

 _I’m not lucky I’m not lucky I’m not lucky never was_  


The sun was up, and Kurogane slept. He had been awake briefly some hours before, still dizzy from the blood loss, and Sakura had brought him something to eat. Fai kept carefully away from them all, staring out the window at the clouds.

Eventually the children and Mokona went out to search for the next feather, and Fai remained alone with the sleeping ninja. He hadn’t gone near Kurogane since he’d carried the ninja’s sleeping form to bed some time earlier. The ninja had felt like nothing in his arms now that the strength of a vampire was returned to him, but it was no comfort. Nothing could help the way things were, not now.

Fai wandered outside into the wind and wished for his coat, for his staff, for his other eye and a way to travel on his own, wished for an open road and strong legs to run with. He wished for lost things, and the wind stung his face as he walked.

And he knew he was only lying to himself again, because he had a choice. Even Kurogane couldn’t completely take away his choices. He could run now, run far, find a high cliff or a deep ocean and jump and drown and _die_ completely, be beyond the reach of Kurogane or anyone or anything. It was only that he wouldn’t. Even now, he wouldn’t.

Fai turned and went back to the house, and slept.

\--

 _I believed only what I pleased, now why can’t I say I did my best?_  


They didn’t argue when Kurogane woke up. The ninja only looked at him and nodded before sitting down to eat the food Sakura had made. Fai smiled worthlessly at him and made himself politely absent so the others could eat.

Sakura, Mokona and Syaoran were happy to see them both when they returned, and Fai didn’t have the heart to avoid them. He only asked if they’d found the feather and didn’t listen to the answer. He looked at Kurogane and tasted the blood in his mouth again.

He wondered if they knew how they’d manipulated him, if they thought of it that way. He wouldn’t have eaten if Sakura hadn’t appeared when she did, if she hadn’t spoken to him, if Mokona’s voice hadn’t sounded so sad. Fai didn’t want to hurt them like that, and they had to know it. They loved him, Yuko had told him as much. It was a foolish child’s love, too easily given, but he couldn’t stand against it. Kurogane’s anger was easier to face than that helpless kind of love.

He would have to feed again eventually. Fai looked at Kurogane’s hands, still shaking just slightly, and decided to stop thinking about it.

\--

 _I do believe that I am graced, it’s just that I’m not ever sure why…_

Two worlds later and the air was dangerous. Fai smelled it the moment they landed, and he knew by Kurogane’s stance that the ninja did too.

He didn’t like this world. It was too warm and too wide. They saw few people and fewer buildings, just long stretches of worn road and large shaggy trees with leaves that burned red and pulsed with each gust of wind. Mist was everywhere, clogging their senses. They were all half-blind here, and Fai could hear things moving in the burning trees and voices chattering distantly.

His skin itched and his stomach twisted again -- he had only eaten once more since the first time, and refused to do any more for now because he saw Kurogane’s hands shaking and the scar on the ninja’s neck was still too raw and too red.

When the attack finally came, Kurogane’s sword was out before Fai even saw the first assailant leap from the trees.

The people were rough and ragged, with thick tree-trunk arms and hair as red as the fiery leaves, and there were more of them than Fai had expected, more than should have been able to hide safely in the trees. The mist grew thicker around them and Fai felt cut off and choked, and he stumbled backwards as if trying to escape a thick smoke. He heard Sakura call his name and Syaoran call hers, and Mokona yelling for everyone and his head pounded. He clumsily dodged an attacker (clumsy, when had he ever been this clumsy before?) and wandered wide and couldn’t hear voices anymore.

A scent caught in Fai’s nostrils and he felt the hair rise of the back of his neck. He closed his eye and followed the scent he knew too well, and finally he heard voices, cursing and cries of pain and above them all one he recognized, would always recognize.

Kurogane knelt in the road with his sword out and men all about him, breathing hard and bleeding. The ninja’s stance was weaker than Fai could remember it being before and he knew exactly why.

Fai drifted between the ninja and his attackers like a wraith and laid a hand on Kurogane’s shoulder. Fai’s mouth brushed an open wound and he whispered his apology even as he drank, even as he felt the blood fill his mouth and the strength he’d let wane return. Kurogane’s only reply was a strained nod, and his eyes were unfocused. The attackers pressed closer.

Fai raised his hands and let the claws extend, and cut them down.

\--

 _stubborn is what I do best it fuels my art it fuels departing_

Sakura, Syaoran and Mokona found them later, still kneeling together in the middle of the road. Dead men surrounded them, and Sakura gave a soft gasp as they approached. Fai had heard them coming long before, but he only looked up at the sound of her voice.

“He needs a doctor,” Fai said quietly. Kurogane’s unconscious form leaned against him, and there was blood on both their clothes.

Syaoran nodded tightly, and walked over to help Fai up. Fai stood as if he didn’t even see the boy and held Kurogane close, grim-faced. Kurogane’s breath burned his face and the ninja’s heartbeat was a steady pulse in Fai’s veins.

No one attacked them this time as they walked, and in a short time they stumbled upon a crude little village and were directed to the village doctor. Fai slipped outside as Kurogane’s wounds were bandaged.

There was blood all over his arms and hands, and Fai brought a finger to his mouth without even thinking about it, licking the blood off. A moment later he gagged on the taste and had to steady himself against the side of the building.

It wasn’t Kurogane’s blood. This blood tasted bitter and poisonous, and Fai wondered if it belonged to the men who had attacked them or to himself.

When Sakura came out to tell him that Kurogane would be fine and was currently sleeping peacefully, he only nodded and told her not to worry when she tried to get him to come inside and have his own wounds looked at.

Rain began to fall, and Fai looked up at the clouds and wondered what color the sun was in this world. Things danced on the edge of his mind and he wondered if he would remember them fully in a moment, if an answer would come to him if only he waited there in the rain a little longer.

\--

 _I’m not lucky, don’t know why, it’s just because_  


He waited in Kurogane’s room while the ninja slept. Kurogane had been awake once so far, briefly, and had asked Sakura (who had been hovering by his bed) where Fai was. Fai had heard Kurogane’s swearing at the reply from all the way outside.

The other three were asleep now, exhausted from the fighting and the running and the setting sun. Fai stayed awake and allowed himself to float through the room and wait. There was a mirror on the far wall and he found himself drifting over to it.

Fai removed the patch and opened both eyes, just to look. The raw, empty eye socket stared back at him in challenge. He remembered what Mokona had told him once about vampire lore, how in stories vampires couldn’t see their reflections. His reflection remained staring back at him.

There was blood on the edges of his vision, and he could almost see out of the empty eye. Even as the empty socket stared back at him, he could almost see. It wasn’t like being blind at all.

“What are you doing?” He whirled at the sound of Kurogane’s voice. The ninja  
was staring steadily at him from the bed.

“You should be asleep,” Fai told him, and couldn’t stop himself from caring. “You’ve lost a lot of blood.”

Fai paused and suddenly remembered the black cloth still in his hand. His immediate impulse was to put it back on, but somehow his hands wouldn’t move. He shut the empty eye and pretended it didn’t matter.

“I’m sorry,” Fai said, finally.

“Idiot. Stop apologizing for stupid things.” Kurogane sat up as he spoke and Fai stepped back and didn’t know why.

“You were already hurt, I shouldn’t have--”  
“I don’t care. You don’t need to apologize.”

“It would be easier if you’d blame me, Kurogane,” Fai said softly. “You can’t ever make things easy.”

“If you weren’t such an idiot about everything it wouldn’t matter.” Despite the words, there was nothing harsh in Kurogane’s voice. The ninja carefully rose from the bed and then swayed suddenly, as if light-headed. Fai was by his side before he even realized it, was steadying Kurogane before he could stop himself from doing things he’d decided he wouldn’t.

“You should go back to sleep,” Fai said. Kurogane just grunted in reply. “Kurogane. Go back to sleep. You need to regain your strength.”

Kurogane turned to look at him, and the weight of that gaze was heavier than Kurogane’s weight in his arms.

“Are you all right?” There it was again. Fai had never expected this kind of concern from Kurogane at first, and now he only wished it wasn’t there. So much easier when things didn’t pull him back.

“I’m fine.” Fai lied and for the first time in a long while felt ashamed for it. It didn’t fool Kurogane and he knew it never had and suddenly he felt stupid for saying it at all and looked away to cover his discomfort. “I’m sorry,” he said again, and didn’t even know why.

“Dammit, stop saying that!” Kurogane growled. “Listen to me, for once. I don’t _care_ what you did or what you’ve done or what you will do or anything stupid like that. It’s going to take more than you eating to kill me, understand? So stop apologizing. I made this bargain and I’m fine with it.”

“And I’m _not_ ,” Fai snapped, irritated.

“You’re still here,” Kurogane said with maddening logic and looked like he was about to say more, but then he swayed, suddenly weak. Fai caught him, and Kurogane turned to look at him. Fai couldn’t take the weight again.

“You should go back to bed,” Fai said finally, and pushed the ninja back towards the bed. Kurogane only grunted in reply. He looked pale, and for the first time since he’d lost his eye Fai felt blind.

“I’m fine,” Kurogane told him, and Fai almost laughed. They were both liars now, and neither one of them was really any good at it.

“I can’t do this,” Fai said, because one of them had to be the honest one. “It’s…I’m not supposed to do this. This is not the way I wanted things to go, Kurogane.”

“Don’t say stupid things,” the ninja replied. He sank down on the bed, guided by Fai’s hand, and leaned his head against the pillow.

“It’s stupid, it’s still true,” Fai replied. “You should have let me die, do you understand? If you had, we wouldn’t have to deal with this. This wouldn’t be happening.”

“You don’t know what would be happening if I’d let you die,” Kurogane said forcefully. He reached a hand up and touched the closed eye, and until that moment Fai had never expected that those hands could be so gentle. “I already told you. You’re not dying that easy. I’ll kill you myself if you want it that bad, but until then you’re living and we’ll both have to deal with that.”

Fai felt his own hand close over Kurogane’s as he moved the ninja’s hand away from his face and found himself looking at Kurogane with both eyes open.

“So stop being an idiot,” Kurogane told him, and didn’t flinch at the sight of the empty socket. Fai just shook his head.

“I can’t…” Fai laughed because it was easier than crying. “I can’t, right, because I’m always an idiot. You always tell me that.” He smiled and meant it. “You wouldn’t like it if I stopped being an idiot.”

Kurogane snorted and Fai wanted to laugh or cry or smile and he really wasn’t sure which.

So they sat in silence instead, and Fai didn’t move from the bedside until he felt Kurogane fall back into a peaceful sleep.

\--

 _wonder if I’ll ever catch the spark_  


It was still mostly dark outside, and Fai moved quietly through the house. The children and Mokona were still asleep in one of the empty rooms, and the doctor who had loaned them the rooms for the night slept upstairs away from them all. Kurogane’s room was quiet except for the ninja’s steady breathing, and Fai’s steps were light.

He found the kitchen easily. The food didn’t taste like anything to him, but he could smell Kurogane’s blood from the other room and he kept that image in his mind. The whole world was in this place, in this here and now, and he could sense it, just beyond his reach but _there_ , still there.

The food he made was sweet and sticky, just the kind Kurogane always said he hated most but grabbed extra pieces of when he thought no one was looking. He made extra for Sakura and Syaoran and Mokona and a bit for their host, just to be grateful. Fai set it to the side, nicely arranged, and made a note to give Sakura hers first, right when she woke up.

He brewed something warm and placed everything on a wooden tray and carried it into Kurogane’s room. The ninja was sleeping soundly, but his face was still pale. It had never been so pale until now, but Fai could still see strength there. No matter his worries, then. Nothing would kill Kurogane that the ninja didn’t wish to kill him. It was something comforting and warm, and Fai welcomed the thought, even if it was only another lie he told himself. It was a good lie, and he believed in it in hopes that belief could make it truth.

It was hard to live, when nothing could kill you. Fai felt the first rays of sunlight shiver along his spine and thought of Sakura, peacefully asleep a few rooms away, with Mokona wrapped in her arms and Syaoran stubbornly resting on the floor guarding her. He thought of Kurogane’s blood and Kurogane’s voice, and then the sun wasn’t so cold anymore.

So he’d live, then. They couldn’t make him do it for himself, even Kurogane couldn’t make him do it for himself, but that was all right. For now he’d live.

For Sakura’s smile, for Mokona’s voice. For Syaoran’s eyes and the Syaoran they’d lost. For Kurogane’s strength, for Kurogane’s blood, for _Kurogane…_

For now, he’d live. Just for now.

He smiled and almost felt it again, then set the food and the drink on the nightstand beside the bed and sunk into the chair he’d pulled over the night before.

Fai waited for Kurogane to wake up and stared out the window, and watched the sun rise.


End file.
